FREE SHIPPING ON PURCHASES $50.00 or more!

0

Your Cart is Empty

Don't Pretend Like You Care About Us

Satantonio Screed

There are a glut of feel good positive “Lifestyle” purveyors littered among the Texas "Hey Look At Me" wear landscape. Businesses, who are not Satantonio, preying on the nostalgia and sentimentality of the illusion of the "Lone Star State", profiting off the idyllic fantasy of a place that never existed. Expressing pride of where you’re from should always be tempered by the truth. Acknowledging the ugly facts of the past and the uncertainty of the future.

Satantonio wants to celebrate those who see things a little clearer, a little darker. Celebrating the counterculture, the outsiders, the glorious underbelly populated by those ignored and marginalized by polite society.

This brand/cult was created by real Texans. You know, like the "founders" of Texas, who could only have had a extraordinarily satisfactory nocturnal emission at the realization of how proficient present day Texans are at inappropriating everything they stole.

Satantonio is an outlet to tell those you find contemptable to keep their suburban, cookie cutter, yellow rose-colored lifestyle choices on the youth soccer sidelines. Free to harass referees and traumatize their already fucked up kids. Buy stuff from us to show that you are reeling against the façade of the Texas sized “American” dream in your own completely original, mass produced way. Everybody in Texas sucks. 

Embrace, Satantonio's bold colors and cutting edge style while the dark clouds surround your neighbor’s sun kissed theatre of the absurd. Use Satantonio as a gateway to becoming a self-righteous fashionista influencer. Hit up the strip mall casual dining areas like you're just there to grope waitstaff and watch sport. They'll never suspect you're in league with Satantonio because you look so good.

Satantonio, Texas isn’t blue, red or purple. Satantonio is a fashionably accessible void, bereft of feelings, beliefs or opinions (unless they’re ours). If you find what Satantonio's selling objectionable to your delicate sensibilities, good for you. Stay true to your prosperity gospel and inalienable rights to make everything great again. Keep worshipping at the altar of your chosen idolatry and buying silhouettes of a cowboy kneeling by a crucifix or whatever bedazzled shit you like. 

Just like the whitewashed story of the Alamo that native Texans learned in seventh grade, we are attempting to rewrite our misspent youth by taking advantage of our valued, enlightened consumers. Tell your friends and family to purchase Satantonio merchandise. It won't take much for Satantonio to achieve the truest Texas dream of living in a stupidly oversized house with no native vegetation, keeping the lawn green regardless of drought and taking on soul crushing debt. Satantonio can't overstate how we didn't make a lot of good decisions in planning for the future. We just want to live like all the innumerable "How the fuck is that idiot rich?" JetSki sophisticates ruining Wherever You Live, TX. Satantonio wants nothing more than to watch the world burn like the diesel from a youth league baseball coach's dualie that doesn't appear to have a trailer hitch. 

See you in Hell or Satantonio, Texa$.